Big Drew introduces you to the 2019 Detroit Tigers! “Who’s THAT Tiger?”
1. Josh Harrison - 2B
You may know him as that guy from the Nacho Fries commercials? He was in that terrible show about Las Vegas, married Fergie, and now has pursued his lifelong love of baseball. He's like Tim Tebow, but instead of being best friends with Jesus, he's best friends with Optimus Prime. It's true. I saw it in a movie. Also he might be friends with Jesus, I shouldn't assume things. His passion for acting never took off but his love of baseball pays the bills. What a weird and strange trip for Josh.
2. Nicholas Castellanos - RF
From a long line of gold chain wearers, Nicholas was destined for a life of making fine meats and cheeses in the hills of East Western Italy. As a young boy, Nicholas would practice baseball by having mountain goats charge at him while he ran away as fast as he could. Unfortunately, he has no idea this would not make him any better at America's game.
3. Miguel Cabrera - 1B
As a world famous race car driver, Miguel Cabrera had it all. The world was his oyster. And then one day, he had a realization. Why risk his life driving hundreds of miles per hour when he could just...okay, ya know what, I can't do it with one. I can't. It's Miggy. He's the best hitter in baseball. I just can't.
4. Jeimer Canderlario - 3B
Originally born Gavin Theodore Butterfield, Jeimer changed his name at a young age to distance himself from his family. The Butterfields of Biloxi are a nasty bunch known for their run ins with local law enforcement over doughnut smuggling laws, but that's a story for another day. Upon gaining space between himself and the family that almost ruined his shot at the big time, Jeimer, aka Gavin, discovered his time running from the sheriff as a child translated into quick lateral movement, and so, here he is today.
5. Niko Goodrum - DH
People often make the mistake thinking Niko's last name is Good-Rum when, in FACT, it's pronounce Goo-Drum! That's right, from the people who brought you the Sham-NOW and the Blur Tooth Headphones, it's the Goo Drum! Now with 200% more GOO! Get your GOO DRUM today by calling 866 314 96 96 and place your pre-order for just 99.95 NOW! Niko sold separately. Also, now he owes me $200 bucks, so totally worth it.
6. Christin Stewart - LF
Christin Stewart had a really great run making films about being a glittery sexless vampire, but that got old after awhile. I mean come on. Undead sparkle fang who can't find love or Tigers prospect stuck in the minors way longer than you should have been? The big thing to keep an eye on with Stewart is splinters. Deadly to vampires. If you see a flash of glitter at home plate, well, we'll know he went to a better place and I don't mean Toledo. Ohio is NEVER a better place. Don't say things like that.
7. Grayson Greiner - C
Grayson Greiner was once just a simple British orphan from Tottenham. Adopted by the British government, he was trained to become the next Double Oh agent. That's James Bond level biz, Jim! After years of top secret training on how to seduce women and wear a tux in any language, Greiner thought he was ready for assignment in some of the world's most exotic and arousing locales. He has been stationed in America trying to find out why American's love baseball but hated cricket ever since and is miserable.
8. Jordy Mercer - SS
This is the guy who fixes our copy machine when it breaks. I have no idea why he is on this list. Always seemed really nice, shows up on time, can un-jam the letter load tray. Not sure how's he gonna do as a shortstop, didn't we trade for like six of these? Why is the copy machine guy working here?
9. Mikie Mahtook - CF
Why doesn't this say Daz Cameron? Is this a misprint? I was pretty sure this was supposed to say...whatever. Either way, Mickey Mah Took was once the most feared gangster in all of Disney World. His real name lost to the ages, he ran an organized crime syndicate under the nose of the mouse himself. Being so bold as to steal the name of his rodent overlords, Mah Took took whatever he wanted with no remorse. One day, while stealing a snow globe just for kicks, Mick threw it as hard as he could over the head of a crowd of park goers. In that crowd? Al Avila. And the rest, as they say, is history.
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